Hide and go leak

The Lawn-Cutting Crew is a humor fiction blog. It's sort of like a comic strip, but without the drawings. It offers self-contained chapters and lots of laughs.

We were all scurrying around in an overgrown backyard, mowing and pruning and weeding. 

There was a new guy on the crew named Cletus. It was his first day. Cletus was in his early thirties, with a huge chin and a mouth that always seemed to be hanging open, as if he were catching flies. He hadn’t been given a company shirt yet, so he was wearing his preferred outfit, which apparently consisted of a straw hat with bib overalls.

Crew Leader Carl was on his hands and knees, reaching elbows-deep into a valve box. Cletus sauntered up to him and stood hovering awkwardly, casting a gargantuan shadow.

Carl looked up. “Well, why are you just standing there like an oversized oaf? You’re blocking my light. Get to work!”

“I got to use the bathroom,” Cletus said, mumbling.

“So use the bathroom!” Carl said. “Who’s stopping you?”

“Can I ask to go in the house?” Cletus asked, still keeping his voice low.

“Hell no you can’t ask to go in the house!” Carl said, yelling. “We never ask our customers if we can use their bathrooms! They don’t want a bunch of foul-smelling, filthy bastards like you stomping through their clean houses. We’re all men, here. Just go behind the toolshed where nobody can see you.”

Cletus turned his head. “The toolshed?”

“Sure,” Carl said. “Why not? If you ever need to go, just find a place to hide where the homeowners can’t see you. You don’t want to whip it out in front of somebody’s window. You never know who might be watching. It might be a little old lady who’ll freak out and call the owner.”

“Oh,” Cletus said. “OK.” 

He shuffled off and squeezed behind the shed, tromping through a thick overgrowth of trumpet vine.

“Man, what a clueless hayseed bastard,” Carl said, shaking his head. “I don’t expect him to last too long.”

“Did you specify that the Hide-and-Go-Leak policy is only for No. 1s, and not for No. 2s?” I asked. “Because I get the sense you have to be extra-thorough with him. If he ever has to go No. 2, he should know that we’ll always stop at a convenience store or a supermarket or something, and that he doesn’t have to squat in someone’s backyard.”

Carl’s eyes widened. He looked from me to the toolshed. “Oh, no. You’re right.”

He stood up and stomped behind the shed. A moment later, we could hear him yelling a slew of angry profanity, which echoed across the neighborhood.

Francisco appeared at my side. “What’s going on?”

I shook my head. “A whole lot of No. 2, apparently.” 

Author: Allen

I’m a humorist and fiction writer, as well as the author of two books. One is a collection of humor, and one is a collection of short stories. Both books are available on Amazon. I always wanted to write a comic strip, but I can’t draw. Not even a stick-person. So that’s why “The Lawn-Cutting Crew” is a comic strip without drawings. I hope you enjoy!

%d bloggers like this: