A bunch of hair-brained excuses 

The Lawn-Cutting Crew is a humor fiction blog. It's sort of like a comic strip, but without the drawings. It offers self-contained chapters and lots of laughs.

It was a lazy Saturday morning. I was sprawled on the living-room couch in my pajamas, drinking coffee and watching a gardening show on PBS. The host was discussing how to prune perennials properly.

“Yuck,” I said aloud, changing the channel. “I’ve been pruning flowers all week. Why would I want to watch work-related stuff on a weekend?”

The next station was playing a local home-and-garden show. The host was dropping a tree into a pre-dug hole.

“There you go,” I said. “Edit out the part where you actually dig the hole. We wouldn’t want to show the unglamorous side of gardening, now would we? Jerk.”

I changed the channel again and landed on a show where a couple was unfurling a roll of sod across a bare-dirt yard.

“For Pete’s sake,” I said, grimacing. “Whatever happened to escaping reality through television. Can’t I ever get away from work?”

I shut off the TV.

Just then, my girlfriend, Joanne, walked into the room. 

“OK, Peter,” she said, sitting on the couch beside me. “Today’s the day. You promised.”

I looked at her, blinking.

She frowned. “Well?”

I clucked my tongue, staring into space. 

Joanne’s eyes burned into me like branding irons. “Don’t you remember?”

“I’m sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “I feel like I’m getting up to speed after being cryogenically frozen. Are we continuing a conversation from the distant past, or something? Because I’m totally lost here.”

Joanne’s nostrils flared. “I asked you to get a haircut last weekend,” she said. “And you whined and moaned and bellyached that you were too tired.”

“Whined and moaned and bellyached?” I frowned. “I’m not sure that sounds like me.”

“I assure you, it describes you to a tee,” Joanne said. “You promised me that you’d get your hair cut this weekend, and now that it’s Saturday, I’m holding you to your promise.”

“Well,” I said, “the term ‘weekend’ includes both Saturday and Sunday. So technically, I can delay getting a haircut until tomorrow.”

“Oh, sorry, but you can’t,” Joanne said. “See, I predicted that you’d rely on that last-ditch argument, so I called the haircutting place at work yesterday and verified that they’re closed on Sundays. So contrary to your assertions, you have to get your hair cut today.”

“Oh, c’mon,” I said, whining. It was my last resort. “It’s my day off! I worked hard all week. I need a little downtime!”

“Are you seriously whining again?” Joanne asked. “You played that card last weekend. It’s not going to work this time.”

“What if I throw in a little moaning and bellyaching for good measure?” I asked.

“Peter,” Joanne said, speaking slowly and firmly, “you’re getting your hair cut this weekend, and that’s final.”

I threw up my hands. “I don’t get it. What’s wrong with having longer hair? Huh?”

“Well, for one thing, it’s not attractive,” Joanne said. “Particularly on you.”

“So what?” I asked. “I already have a girlfriend. It’s not like I’m trying to attract anyone anymore.”

“Oh, really?” Joanne said, crossing her arms. “So that’s your strategy? Well, let me assure you, it’s been working fantastically!” 

Author: Allen

I’m a humorist and fiction writer, as well as the author of two books. One is a collection of humor, and one is a collection of short stories. Both books are available on Amazon. I always wanted to write a comic strip, but I can’t draw. Not even a stick-person. So that’s why “The Lawn-Cutting Crew” is a comic strip without drawings. I hope you enjoy!

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