According to incoming reports, a slew of well-dressed, important-looking older people were photographed standing around during the grand opening of a local clothing shop.
The photographs, taken by a freelancer for the town’s weekly newspaper, showed many of the important people wearing expensive, too-cool-for-you sunglasses, as well as constipated, nonchalant expressions. Some were shown chatting with each other, while others were shown standing by a long table covered with free alcoholic beverages and bite-sized hors d’oeuvres.
“Nobody was really doing anything interesting,” said a reporter on the scene. “Somebody cut a ribbon with an oversized pair of scissors, and then there was a bunch of unenthusiastic clapping. Mostly, it seemed as if people were forced to be there, to make an appearance.”
Indeed, some of the participants were identified as local politicians and business leaders. Others appeared to be bored rich people with no jobs to go to and nothing better to do.
“It was mind-numbingly boring, really,” the reporter said. “Nothing happened. I ate one of the sandwiches, but it was gooey and warm from sitting in the sun too long.”
The photographs indicate that nobody did anything newsworthy during the event. One photo after another shows people standing around in various poses, many looking pompous, self-important and plump.
There was only one picture of someone doing something useful, but it turned out to be a trash collector emptying a dustbin. He later said that he had nothing to do with the event.
“We service that particular strip mall on Thursdays, so I just happened to be there,” he said. “I wasn’t sure what was going on. There seemed to be a lot of rich people standing around doing nothing.”
The non-event reportedly lasted for an hour and a half. The important people, apparently bored from standing around doing nothing, began to disperse once the free food and alcohol ran out.
“I don’t even remember what kind of a store opened,” the reporter said. “Did you say it was a clothing shop? Does anyone know what it was called? I must have dozed off while the owner was giving his speech.”